All I can do is hang here. I don't know how long its been anymore. For awhile I tried to keep track of the number of sunrises and sunsets. I even had a birthday. Nobody came though so shortly after I stopped caring and stopped counting. This is just life for me. Counting the days only made me anxious, as if something would change. I was hanging here yesterday and I'll be here tomorrow too. Dressed in rags and standing in the center of a field.
Its not all terrible though. I often sit in the early morning hours entranced in wonder over what sort of day we'll be having. If the sun is bright and the animals are scurrying about then I have entertainment. But if the sky just gets a brighter gray and the rain starts early I soak in my despair alone. At times nice days can be a little depressing too because while I can see all the animals, they wont come near me. I always dream of how great it would be to uproot myself and hop around with them. I've tried too, you have no idea how long I've tried.
I'm really a nice guy, I'm sure I could make lots of animal friends. But its something that I can't quite put my finger on. Its like I send out some sort of "Don't get too close" vibe that I cant tell I'm sending and everyone can feel but me. I'm always smiling, I don't know what's not to like. The worst are the birds. They torture me by coming in close and never stopping to land on me. I haven't been touched by anything in over a month, I'm beginning to get delusional.
Maybe I'm a ghost. I don't interact with the world and it goes on ignorant of me. But if I were a ghost I'd be able to move about freely and see more of this world. I'm stuck here with this same field sunrise through sunset. If you ever happen to see someone living as a scarecrow you should stop and have a little visit with him, you'll make his month at the very least. And give them a hug so they know that they still exist.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Wonderland
It was chaos perfected. They peeled back a sheet of plywood with her fathers crowbar and entered a darkened hallway. They had heard stories about this decaying relic on the oceanfront and had decided to finally see it for themselves. The hallway that they entered was filled with rubble and used needles littered the floor. Armed with a cell phone flashlight and the crowbar they pressed onward. The hallway led to a giant ballroom. In the '20s the big bands used to play on the raised stage with long velvet curtains. There were 3 golden chandeliers above a marble checkered dance floor. What must have been an elegant place was now decaying and had a strange beauty to it. Two of the chandeliers had fallen and cracked through the marble. Where the dance floor was cracked there were small trees that had begun to grow and vines covered the walls. Where ever nature hadn't claimed, local graffiti artists had. Huge colorful tapestries surrounded by vines filled the walls and balcony. She danced ahead to the center of the floor to swing around on a tree and stop to look at him. He could almost make out the band playing something slow and melodic and he danced over to her. "We should never take a picture of this place, it wouldn't do it justice." He said. She smiled at him and danced away, floating in circles amidst the wreckage. Coming in tighter and tighter around him, she finally falls into his arms and they share a kiss. Then she turns her head towards him and opens her eyes. She says "This is our wonderland, this is where we'll always meet in our dreams."
Directors Cut
If I could direct and edit my life, I could show you who I really am. There would be no confusion due to the words I use or the stories that I can't quite convey. I would make sure to frame every shot perfectly and to pay close attention to color composition so that my life would Pop off the screen for you. I've never been a very good storyteller because for a lot of my stories you really would have had to see it to believe it. And I would make sure that you saw my best action scenes slowed down and sped up to portray poise and composure that I don't have. And oh how I would love to montage right through the dark chapters of my life. To introduce something that has scarred me and show a quick step by step of how I got over it set to music. Then the movie could pick right back up where it left off only now I am somehow stronger and wiser.
I would want my movie to be a love story. I've learned everything I know of love from movies and books. I'm afraid that the way that I love doesn't translate to the real world anyway, so it only makes sense. I would see her on a train platform in the rain and we would sneak glances at each other until our eyes finally met. Then I would ask her for a light even though I had a lighter in my pocket and we would start to talk and hit it off. We would immediately fall for each other and fall hard. No matter what plot twist is thrown at us, we would survive it and remain deeply in love. I think that love is really the only thing worth fighting for, so I would take on any obstacle and love would prevail. The end of the movie would be moving to even the hardest criminal. Unfortunately I am only a character without a script. Even if I was the director, I most likely wouldn't show you who I am. But then I could show you who I dream of being
I would want my movie to be a love story. I've learned everything I know of love from movies and books. I'm afraid that the way that I love doesn't translate to the real world anyway, so it only makes sense. I would see her on a train platform in the rain and we would sneak glances at each other until our eyes finally met. Then I would ask her for a light even though I had a lighter in my pocket and we would start to talk and hit it off. We would immediately fall for each other and fall hard. No matter what plot twist is thrown at us, we would survive it and remain deeply in love. I think that love is really the only thing worth fighting for, so I would take on any obstacle and love would prevail. The end of the movie would be moving to even the hardest criminal. Unfortunately I am only a character without a script. Even if I was the director, I most likely wouldn't show you who I am. But then I could show you who I dream of being
5 Things I've Taught Myself
1. Know where to hide things. Hide people, places, and feelings where no one will find them. Hide them in such a way that unless you are really desperately trying to get them back, you wont even find them. If you hide things for long enough, it becomes second nature. And if you hide them well enough, deep enough in the creases of your brain, you might be lucky enough to forget them.
2. If it seems too easy, you're doing it wrong. Nothing really comes easily. Everything worthwhile takes tremendous effort. Things that seem to just happen for others, won't for you. From your first breath to your last you need to work to try to keep up with what other people consider a normal life. You will often look around you and stop at times to believe that you have finally made it. You haven't. Keep trying.
3. Never tell someone what you really mean. This especially counts if you really care about them. Wrap up your thoughts in bows and ribbons and choose every word carefully so that you know exactly how they'll take it. If you speak too rashly or truthfully you are taking a huge risk. If there is a way to take any part of what you say out of context, to manipulate into some twisted version of what you meant, they will do so.
4. Learn how to lose. Pick sports teams with losing records and always bet on the limping horse. Run races against track stars and always root for the villains in your favorite movies. This way you learn to live with disappointment and become wary of success. This may not sound like the best advice, but trust me it is. You will never spend nights tearing out your hair when you cant figure out what went wrong. Why things fell apart the way they did. You will know that failing isn't the end of the world, it's just a part of it.
5. If someone tells you they love you they are not to be trusted. Love is a dangerous word and anyone who uses it is either uninformed of its destructive nature or a thief. And they will steal everything that you have. They will take your dignity and sanity and sell it in dark alleys for the price of a laugh. They will steal nights of sleep where you're left wondering what this love could possibly mean and why you have no peace and can get no reprieve. And they will steal your smile. You may never get it back.
2. If it seems too easy, you're doing it wrong. Nothing really comes easily. Everything worthwhile takes tremendous effort. Things that seem to just happen for others, won't for you. From your first breath to your last you need to work to try to keep up with what other people consider a normal life. You will often look around you and stop at times to believe that you have finally made it. You haven't. Keep trying.
3. Never tell someone what you really mean. This especially counts if you really care about them. Wrap up your thoughts in bows and ribbons and choose every word carefully so that you know exactly how they'll take it. If you speak too rashly or truthfully you are taking a huge risk. If there is a way to take any part of what you say out of context, to manipulate into some twisted version of what you meant, they will do so.
4. Learn how to lose. Pick sports teams with losing records and always bet on the limping horse. Run races against track stars and always root for the villains in your favorite movies. This way you learn to live with disappointment and become wary of success. This may not sound like the best advice, but trust me it is. You will never spend nights tearing out your hair when you cant figure out what went wrong. Why things fell apart the way they did. You will know that failing isn't the end of the world, it's just a part of it.
5. If someone tells you they love you they are not to be trusted. Love is a dangerous word and anyone who uses it is either uninformed of its destructive nature or a thief. And they will steal everything that you have. They will take your dignity and sanity and sell it in dark alleys for the price of a laugh. They will steal nights of sleep where you're left wondering what this love could possibly mean and why you have no peace and can get no reprieve. And they will steal your smile. You may never get it back.
Enough
For years, I'd splatter your face with drops of my foxhole prayers.
My "Why God,why's," or my "Please help me get out of this!"
I'm done screaming, done crying and clawing my way to a different life.
I see that the grass is greener across the river.
But I don't want to cross it anymore.
I dont care. This struggle is all I can remember.
Always moving on and hiding. Always hiding from the sunshine and the rain,
the work and the play, from all of you and all of me.
Tears may stream wet and warm down my cheeks but I'm not upset.
I'm not happy. For once I just am.
For now that is enough.
I cant convince anyone of anything anymore.
But I can show you how I sing.
We can dance if you'd like to.
Our laughter can ring out to the moon, and bounce back on its beams of light.
I can be anything from one moment to the next.
I can sit still like an ancient redwood.
I can dip my head below the water and emerge pure again like a swan.
I will learn to run like a rabbit and howl like a wolf.
And most importantly I will love again.
I will love the earth and the stars and the ocean.
I will love peace and laughter, silence and sins.
And when I meet you, I will love you.
My "Why God,why's," or my "Please help me get out of this!"
I'm done screaming, done crying and clawing my way to a different life.
I see that the grass is greener across the river.
But I don't want to cross it anymore.
I dont care. This struggle is all I can remember.
Always moving on and hiding. Always hiding from the sunshine and the rain,
the work and the play, from all of you and all of me.
Tears may stream wet and warm down my cheeks but I'm not upset.
I'm not happy. For once I just am.
For now that is enough.
I cant convince anyone of anything anymore.
But I can show you how I sing.
We can dance if you'd like to.
Our laughter can ring out to the moon, and bounce back on its beams of light.
I can be anything from one moment to the next.
I can sit still like an ancient redwood.
I can dip my head below the water and emerge pure again like a swan.
I will learn to run like a rabbit and howl like a wolf.
And most importantly I will love again.
I will love the earth and the stars and the ocean.
I will love peace and laughter, silence and sins.
And when I meet you, I will love you.
I'm good, How are you?
On the surface, everything checks out. There is a smile on my face and my voice is steady, calm. I will tell you about that time in college, or that girl I dated, or something that I once heard that stuck with me. I will ask about how your life is going, how your family is, and whatever is new and exciting. We will spend some time together talking and catching up and then we will part ways. I bet you'll never even notice that I didn't tell you anything. Or that I'm dying inside a little more each and every day. But it's not your fault at all. See, my curse is this; I'm doomed to love but never be loved. To care but never to be cared for. And this, this is all my fault. You see there are things that I can't trust inside of me. I am terrified of my own mind and can't risk it attacking me again. I don't think I'll survive another battle. So I listen, but don't really say anything. When I do speak, I speak defensively. I only speak to keep you at bay, to turn the conversation back to you so that I can keep you safe. I don't need anyone else to die with me. All I want in this world is someone who could help me deal with all the pain. But I'm terrified that if I do let anyone in, anyone know who I am, they'd hate me. Or even worse, Love me and be dragged down too trying to save me.
The Nights get Cold
Do you know what its like to be betrayed by everyone you love, and disowned by your family? To lie with a plastic handle as your pillow, on a steel bench at the train station, because its as good a place as any that you have to sleep for the night. Have you cried to God to save you till your voice gives out and your tear ducts have spent their reservoir? If I could just get the energy to walk a little longer, to ask a few more people for spare change, I might be able to eat today. Or have enough for a 40. It is no longer an option, you see I have to drink. I have to drink so I can forget peoples stares. So I can stop myself from replaying and reliving the events that brought me to the person I've become.
They say "Get a Job!", and I think to myself would you please hire me? Please find me a way out of this? But they just keep walking by with disapproving stares while the change in their pockets could keep me fed for a week. People don't appreciate the simple things in life, like how it feels to just stand in one place without the fear of being arrested for it. To eat something everyday without worrying about how old it was and the fear of how sick it could make you. The ability to own clothes other than the ones you could fit on your back. And most of all how it feels to have someone, anyone, that will occasionally say, "I love you."
They say "Get a Job!", and I think to myself would you please hire me? Please find me a way out of this? But they just keep walking by with disapproving stares while the change in their pockets could keep me fed for a week. People don't appreciate the simple things in life, like how it feels to just stand in one place without the fear of being arrested for it. To eat something everyday without worrying about how old it was and the fear of how sick it could make you. The ability to own clothes other than the ones you could fit on your back. And most of all how it feels to have someone, anyone, that will occasionally say, "I love you."
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Crash
That sinking feeling is coming back.
I know it must have happened in a second, but its hours to me.
One by one things fade out of focus until there's a sucking silence and a fade to black.
I'm hitting the windshield, there are diamonds flying ahead of me in space.
I snap back to consciousness in time to see this scene from stage right, and I look on.
This moment of time, this fragment of a second, is where I'm at now.
The beauty of the impact and my dance with the shattered glass in that last breathe of hope.
Right before the life or death, right before the flashing lights, before the body bag.
That last second where you don't see it coming or care.
Where you are wrapped up in beauty and ignorant of the crash to come.
I know it must have happened in a second, but its hours to me.
One by one things fade out of focus until there's a sucking silence and a fade to black.
I'm hitting the windshield, there are diamonds flying ahead of me in space.
I snap back to consciousness in time to see this scene from stage right, and I look on.
This moment of time, this fragment of a second, is where I'm at now.
The beauty of the impact and my dance with the shattered glass in that last breathe of hope.
Right before the life or death, right before the flashing lights, before the body bag.
That last second where you don't see it coming or care.
Where you are wrapped up in beauty and ignorant of the crash to come.
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